Breathe in. Breathe out. Let’s do this.
I finally took that sneakers out of my closet and went for a walk. After a while, I couldn’t understand why I’m not doing this every day. The weather is so fantastic, the city has so many possibilities for sports and leisure outside, so many parks and bike roads…Why am I wasting my time inside or drinking coffee at the local bar? Why am I not walking anymore?
Recently I spent a weekend in Amsterdam with a good friend of mine and it was so refreshing. We walked for two days around the town. Just walked and talked, getting to know how people live, how they are spending their time. I loved it so much. People were outside, hanging out with friends, laughing, riding bikes (maybe even too much :-)) and simply enjoying the Sun. We were a part of that world for two days, a part of that dream, that escape from our boring, hard and sometimes even sad realities. We forgot our stupid problems and lived in every moment. Why couldn’t we all live like that everyday? Why is it so unusual to enjoy your town and your everyday life the best you can, but EVERY DAY? Why do we live good and consciously only when we are on a vacation? I know, there are things to do…we all have to work/study/take care of things…of course we have. It would be sad if we didn’t have anything to accomplish. But what about us? What about ME? What about MY LIFE? The one I want? The ONLY ONE I’ll ever get. Isn’t life supposed to be enjoyed instead of ENDURED?
Walking around those few blocks for an hour I realized I am not living at all. I am simply just WAITING for my days to pass. At least most of them. I am waiting for weekends, waiting for summer, waiting for my future job, waiting for my happiness. I woke up one day thinking: “Oh, tonight is the new Biggest Loser episode on TV, can’t wait!”. And that was the highlight of my day. I mean…REALLY?!
I cannot do the laundry anymore (there’s no end- EVER!), I can’t stand answering my WhatsApp messages every day (to the same people), I cannot talk to my mom for hours anymore (about my career goals), and I am sick of those happy Instagram profiles (that I check all the time without a reason). I need a BIG CHANGE!
I spend a part of my walk in tears because it is not easy to face those important life questions and really be honest to yourself without crying (at least for me). I tried to hide from the people on the street, but they were f***ing everywhere (!!), so I decided I’ll just ignore them. It is not easy to admit your fears and weaknesses to yourself. I though about my chosen profession and my decisions that brought me where I am today. Maybe it was all wrong and I should have known better. I listened to other people too much, I cared about other opinions too much. I was afraid of critique, of failure. I though about my mistakes, my relationships, my wrong choices. And then, I though about LOVE. Endless torture and the most beautiful thing at the same time. Sometimes it seems so easy and kind, so simple. I think I got it all figured out. But then, I fall into pieces one day and I don’t know what I feel anymore. My whole life becomes so WRONG when love isn’t “working” right, when I start to question it or doubt it.
I started to run, run like never before, I wanted to run away and never come back. I hate this feeling. I thought about moving to the “End of the World”. That’s often on my mind as some kind of “need to escape”- thought. The “End of the World” is a beautiful place far away, which often includes a beach and the Sun (of course), and I see myself smiling there, being peaceful and happy, far from everything and everyone I know. I think it’s alarming when you want to escape your life so badly and, moreover, when the escape looks so attractive.
Then I though about moving to my homeland. It is still a change and it’s more realistic one, more down-to-earth, and even my friends & family could understand that. But what could be so good about it? It is not exotic at all and it is not home either. It is not the same place I left 5 years ago. People have changed and the economy has got worse. What could I possibly do there? And my parents are there. Everyday. All the time!
At the end, I thought- maybe I should stay here and DO SOMETHING with my life here. Make something out of the opportunities I already have, out of the relationships I am already in and out of the things I’ve already started. Why would I escape everything and everyone? What is it so bad about my life anyway? There are good stuff here, I am aware of that. Am I NOT GRATEFUL enough? I should definitely change my PERSPECTIVE, not the continent. Then, I will gradually change my life, too.
I finished my walk with a smile because I felt good again. I needed that conversation with Myself. It is like a confession ritual, like a reset button for my life, like a beginning of something NEW. Something GOOD.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Let’s do this.