I messed up. AGAIN.
I didn’t follow the plan I made. I disappointed. The plan was to be better, to live better. The plan was to start early in the morning and don’t waste time on stupid things. The plan was to use every minute that’s been given to me. The plan was to walk more, to socialize more, to invest more time and effort into my projects and relationships, in myself. The plan was to do the work on time. The plan was to be a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better daughter. But I failed. And then, I failed again. And again. After a while, I just ignored my plan and acted like I never had one. I started losing confidence and faith in myself. I don’t know why I was sabotaging my own possibilities for a BETTER LIFE.
So many times I thought I cannot do this any more. I was sick of trying again. I decided I’ll quit trying and just be another ORDINARY person who drags through life waiting for time to pass.
It became so frustrating, so messy and a bit boring with time, because I tried so many times to change things in my life. Last time I actually followed a PLAN was probably 12 years ago. I decided I was going to upgrade my grades in school by the end of that school year. The plan was to become more active in classes, so I started to speak out even when I was afraid to say something. Gradually, my plan turned out very well. I did it. My grades were fantastic by the end of the year.
I think about times like that often and I still admire myself for some of the accomplishments. I remember that FEELING OF SUCCESS, like the feeling when you finish the last exam in college or when you make your parents proud. That good feeling that says: “Life is great!”. You feel like the king of the world, you feel like you’re going to be somebody some day. How is it possible that I was more disciplined and more focused on my goals before, even when I was a child, than now when I’m a “grown up” and when I should “go for it”, fight for my life the most? Why is it so hard to start living the way you want to? To start fulfilling your dreams? Are we all slapped by reality so hard in our faces that we just give up on our dreams so easily?
I guess we are all AFRAID even before we start. We are afraid of that awful FAILURE.
It is easier to be an ordinary person who survives day by day without any ambition, without any challenge, without getting out of that comfort zone. Every day is pretty much the same then and you don’t have to be afraid or feel discomfort at all. It is a good life, I guess. Could be. I can even imagine myself being happy in that life for a while. It is doable, especially when you have a support group that loves you beside you. It is a very calming and comforting thought, I have to admit. But then, something’s missing and I cannot help it, I get that ITCHY FEELING every time I think about it. I cannot stay still and pretend I’m completely okay with that version of life. That “safe” one. I can even see myself SCREAMING INSIDE, wishing something happens and stops me from going further. On the other hand, there are times when I feel alright and calm like this, when I enjoy being SAFE and WARM, but then I usually stop thinking about what I really want, too. I stop thinking about what I’m supposed to be in this life, about the big “PURPOSE” question. I think: “Maybe I don’t need anything else, I am just fine with my life like this”. But am I really being happy in that moment? Or am I just being COMFORTABLE?
Yesterday I cried for a whole day. Just cried over my life and the person I’ve become. I wanted to become somebody else or just disappear from this world, from all those staring faces in my head asking me: “Are you okay?!”. I tried to walk and think about everything, but it didn’t help. I just walked around a park and couldn’t think about anything clearly. I was empty and tired of all those thoughts. I was angry with myself and I realized I was pushing people away with my closed behaviour. I was over-thinking everything and I was creating unnecessary problems in my head. People who care about me and love me don’t deserve this version of me. I couldn’t bear it either.
Then, I took a bubble bath and lit some candles and I just stared at the candle light for a while. I tried to calm down, tried to breathe again. I felt so small, so unimportant, so vulnerable, so DISCONNECTED from everything. I wanted to be alone, so I started a fight with my boyfriend in order to create a SPACE for me and my loneliness. I wanted to scream and throw it all out, I wanted to scream so badly, but I couldn’t in that moment. I missed those days when I was living alone. The thing is, being alone wouldn’t actually help me and I knew it. I just couldn’t bear the fact someone’s helping me and taking care of me. I couldn’t accept any kind of love in that moment.
The road to TRANSFORMATION is not easy. It’s not straight and it’s not short either. But if I choose the other way, I will die. This is the game I cannot quit and the PERSISTENCE is the only rule. When I fall, I need to get up and keep on going. Just keep on going until I get there. I don’t want to hide beneath the FEAR anymore. Beneath the IGNORANCE. Beneath the COLDNESS. Sometimes I find it hard to really “be there” and I escape in my thoughts, I cannot face reality very well and it is manifesting in different ways like:
- postponing daily obligations (lack of the ability to concentrate)
- terrible lifestyle (longer sleeping hours, eating crap)
- having hard time falling asleep (too many thoughts in my head, sweating)
- lack of self-confidence (avoiding social occasions, avoiding eye contact, giving short answers, bad mood)
I don’t want to make excuses anymore. I am sick of “I can’t do this” and “I am not good enough” and “I’ll start on Monday”. The thing is, grabbing a big box of ice-cream and sleeping until noon won’t solve any problems, it’ll just create the new ones, like:
- the guilt
- missed chances
- bad mood
- weight gain
- losing friends
So now, I can…
a) ACCEPT MY LIFE AS IT IS and just be “comfortable” in my old habits
b) I can START CHANGING MY LIFE by:
- following my inner voice
- facing my fears and discomfort
- accepting imperfections
- decorating my daily routine in my own best way
- trying harder
- being patient
I can become the BEST VERSION OF MYSELF by gradually changing my thoughts, my behaviour and my decisions.
Day by day improving. Day by day becoming stronger. Day by day becoming a better person.
After I took the bath that day, I tried to hide my wet eyes together with my feelings, so I decided to go straight to bed. On the way to bedroom, my boyfriend came to me and hugged me. I was surprised. I didn’t have any choices, I had to surrender to his arms. After a while, I couldn’t hold it all in anymore. I couldn’t be cold anymore. I just accepted his love and his help. I wasn’t ashamed of my tears and my feelings anymore. I cried like a baby. And he held me the whole time. His arms were full of hope and his eyes were full of kindness. I took all of my masks off and told him everything. He wiped my tears and listened to every word I said. Than he told me:
“I wish You could see yourself with my eyes.”
I hope my experiences on this journey will not only help me, but somebody else as well. I want to share my hard times and my good times, my tips, my experiences and my knowledge. Because life is so beautiful. Because life is a gift. And we have to share it with others.